| kaitlin's profilemoments of nostalgiaPhotosBlogLists |  Tools  Help |
|
May 19 neverending i know i'm complaining a little too much but this is my blog so what the heck i'm gonna complain all i want. I'M DYING FROM THIS SEMESTERRRRRRRRRRRR. there's a test tomorrow, 2 long reports due on fri, 2 assignments due next monday, one test next wed and one test next thurs. all after all these, it's finals in another 2 weeks.  Figure 1: curi-ed from jiajia's blog. hehehe. omg too much report writing $*%@*#&$(@#%&@. i have not been eating properly, have not been sleeping properly, have not been going for classes on schedule because there's just too much to do. every weekend was spent at home rushing for something. the fridge is emptying and the dirty clothes are pilling up and i have no time for it. i wonder, i feel so deprived of everything, it's due to a whole new environment or due to the semester? and just because i haven't been watching movies alot and watching movies is all the entertainment i need right now, i watched a whole 10 episodes of "lost" in just one night. i slept at 9am this morning. hahahha. i woke up at 1pm, and suprisingly i feel very energized. like, 'there, i can finally concentrate on my studies with no distractions.' so yeah, i'm popeye after the spinach. =D i need to watch angels and demons. T.T i need like a 10000000 packets more of korean noodles. T.T today is my beloved cousin sis's birthday. happy birthday!! love u and miss u to bits!  May 13 sometimes love just ain't enough I don't wanna lose you, I don't wanna use you Just to have somebody by my side And I don't wanna hate you I don't wanna take you But I don't wanna be the one to cry That don't really matter to anyone, anymore But like a fool I keep losing my place And I keep seeing you walk through that door But there's a danger in loving somebody too much And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust There's a reason why people don't stay where they are Baby sometimes love just ain't enough Now I could never change you I don't wanna blame you Baby you don't have to take the fall Yes I may have hurt you But I did not desert you Maybe I just wanna have it all It makes a sound like thunder It makes me feel like rain And like a fool who will never see the truth I keep thinking somethings gonna change But there's a danger in loving somebody too much And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust There's a reason why people don't stay where they are Baby sometimes love just ain't enough And there's no way home When its late at night and you're all alone Are there things that you wanted to say Do you feel me beside you in your bed There beside you where I used to lay And there's a danger in loving somebody too much And its sad when you know its your heart they cant touch. There's a reason why people don't stay who they are Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough. Baby sometimes love just ain't enough. May 10 i'm a survivor. tell me i can survive this. =( i have a long report with more than 10 pages due tues. separation processes test on wed. chemical thermodynamics on thurs. sustainable processing presentation on thurs. 26 marks of my total units marks, all in a week. they say this is the craziest semester throughout my course. and i'm hoping that if i pull this through, i could pull through anything. i did quite badly for all my tests this semester. i do not want a pass. not even an average. i want a credit, a distinction. but why is it so hard, so impossible. still, at least after all the hectic tests and assignments and reports and presentations... i have something to look forward to. and that is spending an important day with people close to my heart.  May 08 macca's i finally had my first official mcd meal here in aussie! damnnnn satisfying, bacon and beef burger. nyam nyam. been craving for it for so so long. i remember my coursemates and i used to go mcd every midnight to study for finals. and my best companions would be bubur ayam and nuggets, and refillable coke!! great times, great friends. no bubur ayam here though. =( the next in my craving list is kfc!!! the wicked wings in kfc is omfg the best chicken wings ever in the whole wide world. XD and when i got to ah bing's house, there's salmon fish for dinner. and hiro and nic bought resident evil 5 ps3 for ah bing and they're all playing it. today is a good day. just wanna sit back and relax. the stress can wait. muahahahahhaha. =D May 05 so hard to please i have this habit, a very bad habit i think, to be extremely insecure with how i look. i think, i'm too fat. i have no waist. i have no boobs. i have extremely small shoulders. collar bone too obvious. skin full of scars. short legs. messy hair. dead fish eyes. protruding jawline. yellow teeth. unsymmetrical smile. the list can go on and on. seriously. doesn't help with u not appreciating me as much anymore. May 04 dear i still wonder, how is it that we ended up like this. obviously love alone will lead us to nowhere. u understand well that i've come to be what i am today is because of things u did to me, and yet in the end u said the root of all problems is myself. i can't bring myself to pass the barrier of the past, but isn't it the same for u. we both did so many things wrongly, but why is it that i'm the only one to blame? u said u suffered from injustice, have u thought of what u've said? how is it that i love u wholeheartedly, given u my all, and u said u can't feel love from me? how can u even say that i'm treating u bad, not treating u as how it should be? why do u calculate every little things that i did or did not do for u? why are u comparing when i have stop doing that long time ago which was what u wanted? how, how else would u want me to make up for the past, in order for u to let go? u said u will try your best to maintain this, to preserve this, but u're forcing me to the wall, forcing me to breakdown. making me question, what have u done exactly? again n again, i did not put myself above u, i did what i think was best for u, not for myself, and definitely not as how u said. u may not have seen what i've done, though it might not be the best, but i never wanted the worst for u. the way u looked at me, the tone u used to shout at me, i feel like the filthiest animal alive. still wearing your shirt, i miss u terribly. i want all bitterness to stop. i want us to start from a clean slate. i'm not letting go of anything. i sincerely want us to be how we use to be. for all the scars to lighten. for the rain to stop. April 26 I Dreamed A DreamThere was a time when men were kind, And their voices were soft, And their words inviting. There was a time when love was blind, And the world was a song, And the song was exciting. There was a time when it all went wrong. I dreamed a dream in time gone by, When hope was high and life, worth living. I dreamed that love would never die, I dreamed that God would be forgiving. Then I was young and unafraid, And dreams were made and used and wasted. There was no ransom to be paid, No song unsung, no wine, untasted. But the tigers come at night, With their voices soft as thunder, As they tear your hope apart, And they turn your dream to shame. He slept a summer by my side, He filled my days with endless wonder. He took my childhood in his stride, But he was gone when autumn came. And still I dream he'll come to me, That we will live the years together, But there are dreams that cannot be, And there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I'm living, So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream, I dreamed. "Boyle's success is not that she has been a victim who has vanquished her enemies, but
that she has the courage to be herself. We cry because we see in her the seeds of our own liberation." April 25 aussieland it's been 2 months ever since i stepped on the soil of australia. a whole new environment. new food, new people, new weather, new campus.... even though i still stick with the same bunch of people. it has been an overwhelming experience. almost too much to take in. but i can proudly say that i'm adapting quite well now. i can walk at least 1 hour a day without complaining how tired walking is. i know how to take the public transport to everywhere i want to go. i can cook, well enough to not starve myself. i can understand australians speaking with their accent without asking them to repeat again and again. it has been also 2 months since this semester started. with at least one test every week, 2 assignments every week... this semester is seriously killing me. and with this weather outside, each time i stay at uni late to finish up some stuffs, i'll have to freeze myself all the way back home. collllddddd.  finals are just around the corner. taking che3167, a unit graduates say it's the toughest unit among all throughout the degree, failing is the last thing i want. i'm not sure whether am i putting in enough effort. i think i did, but then my grades are still below average. i'll just have to sacrifice more then. i simply must do better. have too much pictures to share here. rather post them up at facebook. please help yourselves. =) pretty much sums up this 2 months. a monash engineering student is a boring student. p/s: i miss my family more than i thought i would. February 12 good-bye its 1pm. i have.... 7 more hours before i leave to the airport. some friends wanted to send me off but i declined. some insisted. i wonder whether will i cry. lol. i realize, this time leaving home, i'll have to grow up faster than i thought. i'm not mummy's or daddy's little girl anymore. i'm gonna be on my own. i miss my small and messy room, i even miss my living room. 2 years, for sure not everything will still be the same. i might even stay there and work. at least i plan to. no more, at home 7 days a week. but i'll make it all worthwhile. i'm officially leaving home and spreading my wings elsewhere. in another 7 hours' time. February 09 leaving behind. i'm leaving soon. sooooo soon. too soon. and i suddenly don't feel like going anymore. i'm afraid, that things might not be the same once i leave. that those things i like, people i miss, will not be the same when i'm back. or will i ever be back here permanently. or will anything bad happen to my family. or will people i care will just lose contact. i suddenly miss everything already. the food, the people, the places. everything that ever matters to me is here. was here. i wonder if it's pre-departure depression or it's just me. February 02 2008, the unforgettable ones.i was moodless. useless, restless, unmotivated. and lazy. hence the procrastination.
on my first post of 2009, i want to recap and recollect stuffs i did throughout the whole year. so...... here goes.
the first time he asked for break up. and the second time. the first time i had to emcee my meditation centre's annual dinner.   started to spend lots of time in uni, in the library.  have a closer bond with my course mates. which are all straight high distinction scorers.
did not fail a subject at all, finally. a significant improvement i hope. organized my high school classmates reunion. with nee.
 and then she left to uk for studies.
  finally went to jogoya, twice, after postponing for 2 years.   went to club only once throughout the year.   celebrated my 21st birthday, with people that means alot to me.  the first time i spent the whole day studying on my actual birthday. won the grand prize in my uni's lucky draw, which is the laptop im using now.  had to live with a scar on my thigh. wtf. but i'll live.  became a model for a make up workshop.   went to genting, penang, langkawi, cameron. malaysia truly asia.    received my first ever bouquet of flowers.  went for archery. surprisingly fun.  went for go-kart. i loved it.   visited malaysian philharmonic orchestra.  queued up the whole night, slept on the ground, just to get a slightly cheaper camera.  in 2008 i had gone through some great times and some heartbreaking times.
1 month had past since the starting of 2009.
things seem to look good for me. i'm not complaning.
i know this will be a very different year for me. another step into adulthood.
for better or for worse, i'm looking forward to everything i'll meet in my path.
happy 2009 and happy chinese new year. December 23 days with you. if these are the last few moments with you, i want to remember every single one of them. the pc fair we went to.  the korean restaurant at ampang that we've always wanted to go.    the newly opened red box at the gardens. just the two of us.  i love you. and will always do. December 18 i think. december must be the worst time for relationships. oh wait, scratch that. year 2008 is the worst year for relationships. how many broken relationships so far? people who were together for 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years, how can they break up after spending so many years together? doesn't the memories count? what happened to the love you felt at the very beginning? what happened to the promises? wtf happened to everything? wtf wtf wtf. i'm just so disappointed. with what people call 'love'. BUT. a broken heart, can either cause you to crawl back into your tiny shell, mistaking it with self-protection, or accelerate your personal growth. i choose the latter. i want to grow, i want to be more matured, i want to be able to handle my relationship well. i want him, to feel, that i'm worth it. and, i'm gonna apply the goddamn law of attraction. foolish, or even stupid, you may call me. but if stupidity is going to lead me the way, stupidity it is. i'm so sorry to hear that you, too, had just broken up.
it was one of the strongest relationship you've had, and yet... stay strong, i'll see you. love you. p/s: i'm fine, i really am. i have this profound realization. a surge of energy, telling me i'll pull it through. December 14 day 2 we went to pikom pc fair today. hwm magazine is having a crazy offer - whoever signs up or renew, rm144 for a year, will get a free 160gb external hdd. so it's like practically getting the magazine free. or getting the hard disk free. whatever. my dad wants me to get the hdd for him. after so many times working for pc fair, this was the first time i went as a buyer and observer. all the while i had to reach there before 10am to get ready, thus i thought the opening time was also 10am. i reached there at 9.30am, thinking i only had to wait for half an hour, so why not just wait at the entrance. we talked n chatted; he shielded me from those who pushed around; he carried my handbag; he used a piece of paper to fan me in case i faint in the crowd. small gestures i never really appreciated, until i've lost them. i found out the opening time was actually at 11am. i had to wait 1 and a half hour. -.- ONCE the front door opened, i.............. was almost squished to the ground. people pushed and ran in, like some stupid race. the entrance was at 2 floors up, some people were running up the stairs, some people were running up the escalator. no one even pressed the lift. omg. what else, they must all be rushing for the magazine. then, he asked me to don't compete with them: he'll run there and queue up for me. he doesn't want me to faint, like i almost did when we were running for sony skinny-t. lol. and so he ran. i saw people running towards the 3rd ballroom when i was just entering the 1st one. crazy people. went through 3 ballrooms, went down 2 more floors, went through the 1st hall, and finally i've reached the 2nd hall, where the booth for the magazine was. i think there were already about 100 people queuing up. it was madness. most of them were still panting, including him. hahhaha. i thanked him i kissed him i hugged him. it felt so good. i did not put on any makeup today. i was afraid the tears will smudge it. as i was leaving the counter, the people there asked me to stay, and pose for the camera while holding the gifts. what the hell. with swollen eyes and pale cheeks. stupid. i didn't expect even not working for pc fair this time, i still had to take pictures. wth wth wth. plastered a big stupid fake smile. we headed out the exhibition. the whole journey took 1 km. and then we entered it again. to slowly look through everything. 2 kms conquered. i saw few friends from uni, talked to friends from epson, friends from samsung, friends from canon, friends from philips, friends from microsoft. they were all complaining sales were hard. made me miss working there a teeny weeny bit. but then i snapped back to reality: it wasn't worth the money. saw and learnt many things today. the overclocking demo for intel i7 processor, gaming with 3 monitors: a full view of everything, saw pretty ladies wearing skimpy costumes, saw an asus laptop that looked like wood, saw how cheap pendrives are (rm90 for 16gb),saw a cool mouse by microsoft, saw a super super super pretty newly launched white samsung external hdd that i really really want. i made an agreement with him yesterday. the day we broke up, i don't feel like leaving the house, don't feel like eating. just drowning myself with sadness. and i realized i'm gonna waste my holidays. which might be my last 3 months holiday. i don't want to. we've both agreed, to accompany each other during the holidays. do stuffs we've planned to do. go places we've always wanted to. and break up at feb. with no regrets. some people told me it's stupid. since breaking up is inevitable, better now than later. else it's gonna hurt even more. i know, i know it all. but i still want to spend my time with him, even if it's only for 2 months. i have never loved this way before. no commitments. just 2 people that needs each other. until february. December 12 goodbye just yesterday, i thought i was the wealthiest person in the world. just yesterday, i thought i still had someone who loves me for who i am. just yesterday, we joked and laughed and planned for dates. i'm sorry i was never good enough for you. i'm sorry i don't always see eye to eye with you. i'm sorry i just wanted to be spoilt by you. i'm sorry for hindering you growing up. i cried and broke down in front of my mum today. she told me, someone who really loves you wont leave you for your flaws. she said you're still young. she said you should be happy this happened now, not years later are you're much more settled down. she said i'm lucky to see how he can't accept me before we got married. she's so right, yet i'm so torn. today i saw a woman, carrying a baby in her arms. that was my dream. everything i've wanted, with you. i've given everything to you. and i've never regretted getting together with you, despite everything. these were the happiest 2 years of my life. i love you and only want to be with you, but deep down i know my mother is right. when u said u can't picture a future with me, part of me died. i'm seriously considering not to go to australia anymore. i feel so dehydrated now and i haven't taken anything, but please don't worry about me. yes i do feel like dying, but i wont have the courage to do so. so many has happened in a few days. god please help me. i'm nobody's huimynn. always and always. my 21st. this is a super super super belated post. omg i can't believe i procrastinated on my 21st birthday post for so long. half a year?! tsk tsk. my birthday actually falls on 31st of may. but then finals was a few days away from it, thus in order not to stress out me and my friends, i had my birthday celebration 2 weeks earlier, 17th may, a buffet style dinner at cafe on the tenth at crown princess hotel kl. lots of my feelings that night were gone by now, but i'll try to make the best of it. pictures pictures!!      all these people accompanied me throughout my whole high school life. my first performance, my first relationship, my first breakup, my 2nd breakup lol...... limei, fish, liqi, ice, nee. muacks.  u, besides me, must be the busiest person that night. preparing n taking food for me when im not free to do so, helping me organizing my gifts and ang paos... even running around with the camera snapping away and entertaining my brothers. muacks muacks muacks muacks. im lucky to be able to celebrate my 21st with you.  mariko and ruby. i think u 2 are those few that knew me since forever. since kids... running around playing masak-masak, spending ALL chinese new year eve together. lol. i remember mariko used to come over for sleepover, n we can talk non-stop, especially about guys... i went to ur condo to swim n we practiced holding our breath underwater upside down.... and i think u see me naked the most too. muahahahha.*shy* i know our friendship will never fade, and we'll do well on the 3rd of jan! love u two!  the girls. 2 with bfs.   my closest friends from uni. also the few's i hang out alot. i like spending time with u all at the library, even though alot of times u all dota-ed more than studying. but spending time with u all drives me to study even harder. i guess i owe it to u guys. lol. thanks for the laptop bag, i know i seldom use it, but it was a very sweet gesture since i really really needed it then. and i really thought it was a teddy bear. -.- love u all too!  to the aunties uncles that came, thank u all very much! u have all watched me grow up from a young naive girl, to who i am today. i promise i wont let u all down. i'll stand strong to what i think is right, study hard, and always be a filial daughter. and thank you for the generous ang paos. how i wish the full amount is still in my bank. T.T and last but not least,  my family. i know im not a homey person. but i do love u all. tao, study harder, it's your spm year, cut down your computer games, your brother is just following your footsteps. onsaint, you are getting taller everytime i stand next to you. i believe when i come back from aus, you'll be taller than me already. sorry to miss out alot from your life, but remember i love u. i know im always super strict to the both of u, but that's how elder sister is to younger brothers. lol. dont complain. mummy daddy, thanks for giving me everything. im officially 21 now. and im leaving home soon. i promise to be good. sorry for all the troubles i've put you through. i love you. sniff.     i must be the wealthiest person in the world. p/s: i miss my super straight hair. why did i chop it off. WHY?! December 10 lim sheau chin. hahahhahaha. she'll kill me once she sees the title. =p 5th of december 2008, hamster finally turned 21. finally. her birthday is always, always half a year later than mine. makes me feel like an old woman only. ishhh. li mei picked us up from our place thank you very much!! , and then we headed to low yat for karaoke.   random picture. | all five of us.    i love it! | do re mi fa. | ^^v we walked around, looked around, and headed to jogoya for dinner. hamster insisted she wants to eat jogoya. furthermore ladies have 50% discount. no reason not to go.   the lovebirds that came late. | kampai! | group picture. and this is.............  ju-on at the ice-cream bar!! lol. hamster was having a hard time scooping the ice-cream. in the end want me to scoop for her some more. hamster went clubbing with li qi afterwards. and i was practically stranded at starhill. luckily... someone came to the rescue.  with eugene, with the enormous ice-cream cake like christmas tree outside pavillion.  pretty girl. =) went to crystal jade for some "ang moh herbal tea", he said. lol. how much things changed. .... ANYWAY. the next day was an official celebration with her parents and relatives. at overseas restaurant at sri petaling.  i purposely dressed up to look older. to please the elders. lol. it's her bouquet of flowers from her dad. 21 roses. how sweet. thus..... I WANT!  ahahha. it's mine now. =p happy birthday again, i know it's been a week already. just accept my sincere wishes lah. and, no matter how worse things get, i'll still be there for u. happy 21st. .................... which reminds me........ where's my own 21st bday post?! ishh. made of honour. i find this.... funny and ironic.  remember the story? we went to watch it together. hahahaahahaha. it all seems so funny right now. some people. "Some
people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same." Flavia Weedn i came across this quote, and it touched me deeply. how many times have people come and go. touched you and let you fall. it's like a never-ending circle. in the end we'll all stand where we came from. the world we live in, the hard-to-grasp reality, is really consuming. what is real? what is true? is there something that i can hold on to? fairy tales seem ridiculous right now. taken aback, but still, hope for the best. i used to be a firm believer of eternity. eternity? my foot. i swear, this will be my last relationship. i will never trust any guys again. |
|
|
