it was.... more than what i expected.
this is so different.
i'm beginning to like it. =D

i've been avoiding this place for weeks now.
to write it requires you to think. thinking, will only surface too many unwanted thoughts.
it's hard to be genuinely happy. but i'm lucky to have friends that try really hard. =)

i had a dream last night.
i saw how close they are, how happy they are.
in my many fragments of dreams, everyone is telling me they're together now/they're closer than ever.
and i know, as much as i hate to admit it, i'm out of the picture long long time ago.
that i never have a say to it.
this is not an accusation. this is just a dream.
but ultimately, i want you to be happy.
telle est ma prière. =)

it's been 2 months now. what has changed?
everything. i feel very different now.
kinda hard to adapt.
to stop a habit that has been ongoing for 3 years.
times i still feel incomplete. but its lesser now.
times i feel my future is bleak. but i'm trying harder.
times i want to talk and laugh with you, to hold you in my arms again. but it's getting numb.

i believe, one day we'll be able to look back and smile.
sit down and maybe have a cup of coffee.
introducing him/her. exchanging wedding invitations.
i'm preparing, so that when the day comes, i'll be able to give you my brightest smile. =)

the word "too late" is haunting me.
too late to change.
too late to try.
too late to restore anything.
too late to appreciate.
too late to learn.
too late to be good.
too late to be sorry.
too late too late all too late.

so u know what?

i am gonna be a early person.
like my father said, learn from your mistakes. never let the time spent go to waste.

ever felt that bad luck comes one after another, just like being jinxed?
it's hard to lift the spirits up.

toe nail chipped and cracked.



knocked my knee really really hard while taking out the clothings.



lost the earring he gave to me last year, for monash ball.



i didn't had any earrings to match for monash ball, and saw this really nice pair of earrings i couldn't afford.

he was really nice to me. it's my fault that i didn't treasure him when i had him.
i know it's too late now.
but i know even if i lose everyone that's important to me, the world will not stop spinning.


p/s: if anyone happens to see this exact same earring, please please please help me to get one pair?
this earring is from a stall in sunway pyramid. i will be forever in debt.

you let me slept for awhile longer.
you walked me home to put my stuffs.
we went to watch transformers together.
pulled up the handle in between the seats, as if we're seated on couple seats.
drank honey dew and passion fruit bubble tea.
you hugged me throughout the duration of the movie.
we went shopping for food together. found a nice place to shop for instant noodles.
we went to the japanese restaurant i've always wanted to go.
their sushi was just average. i got to eat my fried quail though.
we shared the same piece of sushi. just as how it was back in kl.
we tasted, commented and exchanged opinions about the food. even tried guessing the raw fish.
the shop was closing soon.
but i said i want to take the last bus back.
we slowly, hand in hand, walked to the bus stop.
met your friends and housemates.
took the second last bus with them.
you walked me home for the last time.
i held your hand for the last time.
we talked, cried for the last time.
i kissed you for the last time.
i saw you turn your back to return home.

thank you for everything you've given me.
it will always be the best.

a week has passed since that day.
it seems like everything's the same, yet everything is so different.
i should be glad, but it's so hard to laugh like i used to.
i should be free, but i have never felt so lost before.
i should be studying, but i have yet to start at all.
i should hate you, but i just love you so much.

autumn's here. winter is on it's way.
it has been raining every single day.
fallen leaves. broken heart.

soon. =)

this is a story i heard long long time ago.



"On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home.
She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid;
I went into business and tried to make more money.
When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife.

When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company.
Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.

Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand.
I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage.
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day.
But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release.
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms.

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.

I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger.
I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart.
Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly.

I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until we are old".

i learnt it the hard way.
i guess we're officially over.
you're, we're no longer how it used to be.
i'll fight, i'll do anything it takes, i'll never give up. being said again and again does not make any difference to u anymore.
not even when i left the house unexpectedly.
i guess this is how one shows the determination.
but i guess it was then, some sense knocked into me.
i ran and ran, tried to take everything off my mind.
the breeze, in 6 degrees Celsius. the stones on bare foot.
your family, your friends, the place we stayed together, the joys, the fights, the memories...
it all flashed by so quickly, and got lost in the warm breath in cold air.
and i just stood there. coming to the sudden realization of what i should do or shouldn't do.
this shall be my way of loving you.



happy birthday to me.

i know i'm complaining a little too much but this is my blog so what the heck i'm gonna complain all i want.
I'M DYING FROM THIS SEMESTERRRRRRRRRRRR.
there's a test tomorrow, 2 long reports due on fri, 2 assignments due next monday, one test next wed and one test next thurs.
all after all these, it's finals in another 2 weeks.


Figure 1: curi-ed from jiajia's blog. hehehe.

omg too much report writing $*%@*#&$(@#%&@.

i have not been eating properly, have not been sleeping properly, have not been going for classes on schedule because there's just too much to do.
every weekend was spent at home rushing for something.
the fridge is emptying and the dirty clothes are pilling up and i have no time for it.
i wonder, i feel so deprived of everything, it's due to a whole new environment or due to the semester?

and just because i haven't been watching movies alot and watching movies is all the entertainment i need right now, i watched a whole 10 episodes of "lost" in just one night.
i slept at 9am this morning. hahahha.
i woke up at 1pm, and suprisingly i feel very energized. like, 'there, i can finally concentrate on my studies with no distractions.'
so yeah, i'm popeye after the spinach. =D

i need to watch angels and demons. T.T

i need like a 10000000 packets more of korean noodles. T.T

today is my beloved cousin sis's birthday. happy birthday!! love u and miss u to bits!

tell me i can survive this. =(
i have a long report with more than 10 pages due tues.
separation processes test on wed.
chemical thermodynamics on thurs.
sustainable processing presentation on thurs.
26 marks of my total units marks, all in a week.

they say this is the craziest semester throughout my course.
and i'm hoping that if i pull this through, i could pull through anything.

i did quite badly for all my tests this semester.
i do not want a pass. not even an average. i want a credit, a distinction.
but why is it so hard, so impossible.

still, at least after all the hectic tests and assignments and reports and presentations...
i have something to look forward to. and that is spending an important day with people close to my heart.

i finally had my first official mcd meal here in aussie!
damnnnn satisfying, bacon and beef burger. nyam nyam.
been craving for it for so so long.
i remember my coursemates and i used to go mcd every midnight to study for finals.
and my best companions would be bubur ayam and nuggets, and refillable coke!!
great times, great friends.
no bubur ayam here though. =(
the next in my craving list is kfc!!!
the wicked wings in kfc is omfg the best chicken wings ever in the whole wide world. XD
and when i got to ah bing's house, there's salmon fish for dinner.
and hiro and nic bought resident evil 5 ps3 for ah bing and they're all playing it.
today is a good day.
just wanna sit back and relax.
the stress can wait.
muahahahahhaha. =D

i have this habit, a very bad habit i think, to be extremely insecure with how i look.
i think,
i'm too fat.
i have no waist.
i have no boobs.
i have extremely small shoulders.
collar bone too obvious.
skin full of scars.
short legs.
messy hair.
dead fish eyes.
protruding jawline.
yellow teeth.
unsymmetrical smile. 

the list can go on and on. seriously.

doesn't help with u not appreciating me as much anymore.

it's been 2 months ever since i stepped on the soil of australia.
a whole new environment. new food, new people, new weather, new campus.... even though i still stick with the same bunch of people.
it has been an overwhelming experience. almost too much to take in.
but i can proudly say that i'm adapting quite well now.

i can walk at least 1 hour a day without complaining how tired walking is.
i know how to take the public transport to everywhere i want to go.
i can cook, well enough to not starve myself.
i can understand australians speaking with their accent without asking them to repeat again and again.
 
it has been also 2 months since this semester started.
with at least one test every week, 2 assignments every week...
this semester is seriously killing me.
and with this weather outside, each time i stay at uni late to finish up some stuffs, i'll have to freeze myself all the way back home.
collllddddd.

finals are just around the corner.
taking che3167, a unit graduates say it's the toughest unit among all throughout the degree, failing is the last thing i want.
i'm not sure whether am i putting in enough effort.
i think i did, but then my grades are still below average.
i'll just have to sacrifice more then. i simply must do better.

have too much pictures to share here. rather post them up at facebook. please help yourselves. =)

pretty much sums up this 2 months.
a monash engineering student is a boring student.


p/s: i miss my family more than i thought i would.

its 1pm. i have.... 7 more hours before i leave to the airport.
some friends wanted to send me off but i declined. some insisted.
i wonder whether will i cry. lol.

i realize, this time leaving home, i'll have to grow up faster than i thought.
i'm not mummy's or daddy's little girl anymore.
i'm gonna be on my own.
i miss my small and messy room, i even miss my living room.
2 years, for sure not everything will still be the same.
i might even stay there and work. at least i plan to.
no more, at home 7 days a week.
but i'll make it all worthwhile.

i'm officially leaving home and spreading my wings elsewhere.
in another 7 hours' time.